I am not going to lie--this has really been tough on me. This post is for me, but if you feel like you want to get into my life, go right ahead.
It has been a very difficult year for us--Keith was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, his health spiralled out of control, he lost his job, we lived off of savings for nearly 8 months, there was a lot of frustration hanging around the walls of this house and I probably made life a lot worse than it should have been.
And during this entire time, not once did he get angry with me, lose his temper, put me down. But then not only was he a kind, considerate, intelligent man, his common sense had a lot to be desired when it came to a lot of things. I was constantly harping at him to do something about finding a job, getting out, doing stuff with us and only to realize that--although we didn't know it at the time--he was dying from the inside out.
Mental illness is a cruel, cruel thing and it not only affects those it attacks mentally and physically, but those it affects those who are on the outside trying to help. It affects averyone around you.
There is truly nothing I can do to bring him back, but the thing that I can do right now is to be grateful for the time I did have with him and be grateful for the family and friends that have been here to buoy me up at the especially difficulttime and change in my life.
This third week has truly been the hardest on me. Burying a spouse is much harder than burying a parent. And though I have never buried a child, I can only imagine that that would be even worse than a spouse. I never in my life thought I could feel so physically lonely--although lately with his illness, he was rarely with me, but I knew he was in the house somewhere. I have cried daily and apparently, from all that I have read, this is to be expected. Most nights I can't sleep without something to put into a complete stupor, but Friday nght I cried myself to sleep (even with the medication--it wasn't working that night) and all day Saturday, I bawled and bawled and bawled. I never imagined in my wildest dreams what a serousily painful process this is--pain in my mind and a tremendous pain in heart. Kassie told someone that she ran into and was talking about me that I am LOST! Who would have known how lost one can feel during this process.
I am grateful for a kind and loving Heavenly Father that has made me aware of a lot of things in the past three weeks. I am grateful for a Savior that has suffered these things for not only for Keith, but for me, and for all of us. And to know that the atonement of Jesus Christ is there and waiting for us to help us in our lives if we are only willing to allow it in.
I am also grateful to know that during this entire death process that He has made possible for me to removed from myself at the proper times and to be in complete control of my faculties at others.
