Seven months seem like an eternity. It has been a difficult, yet truly humbling experience. I can't thank my family and friends and church family enough for all of the loving support, inspiration, prayers, good deeds, and more that have been done in my behalf.

I am not the type of person that can accept help very easily, I am the one bringing you dinner, the one talking to you about how you feel, the one that helps out if there is ever the need, with no expectation of anything in return, because that is what I feel good in doing, yet I have had to learn to sit back and accept graciously the kindnesses that have come to me over this very difficult journey.

I had to go to yet another viewing of someone that passed away all to young and went to dinner afterward with my old roommate. She came out an asked just exactly how I was doing and feeling and although I have days that I could kick, maim
or otherwise injure someone who is no longer here, I told her that I am really at peace with the entire situation. Yes, I am angry some days, but aren't we all when something like this happens? I have learned to accept what I cannot change. I must go on.

This is not to say, however, that I still don't have days when I cry myself to sleep, want with all of my heart to talk to him about something one of the kids did that he would love, still have to stop and think that I don't have to yell at him to get out of bed to get ready for church, talk to him about how Ashlynne wants to know which cloud he actually lives on, how Andrew holds his picture and finally falls to sleep after a particularly rough day, how Austin would just love to read a new little book from school to him, and the list goes on and on and on......

This is a daily process that will go on for all time, but I amazingly at peace and have come to to rely on our Savior more and more to heal my wounds and broken heart and allow me to take my life one day at a time.

DEALING WITH KEITH'S PASSING

I am not going to lie--this has really been tough on me. This post is for me, but if you feel like you want to get into my life, go right ahead.
It has been a very difficult year for us--Keith was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, his health spiralled out of control, he lost his job, we lived off of savings for nearly 8 months, there was a lot of frustration hanging around the walls of this house and I probably made life a lot worse than it should have been.
And during this entire time, not once did he get angry with me, lose his temper, put me down. But then not only was he a kind, considerate, intelligent man, his common sense had a lot to be desired when it came to a lot of things. I was constantly harping at him to do something about finding a job, getting out, doing stuff with us and only to realize that--although we didn't know it at the time--he was dying from the inside out.
Mental illness is a cruel, cruel thing and it not only affects those it attacks mentally and physically, but those it affects those who are on the outside trying to help. It affects averyone around you.
There is truly nothing I can do to bring him back, but the thing that I can do right now is to be grateful for the time I did have with him and be grateful for the family and friends that have been here to buoy me up at the especially difficulttime and change in my life.
This third week has truly been the hardest on me. Burying a spouse is much harder than burying a parent. And though I have never buried a child, I can only imagine that that would be even worse than a spouse. I never in my life thought I could feel so physically lonely--although lately with his illness, he was rarely with me, but I knew he was in the house somewhere. I have cried daily and apparently, from all that I have read, this is to be expected. Most nights I can't sleep without something to put into a complete stupor, but Friday nght I cried myself to sleep (even with the medication--it wasn't working that night) and all day Saturday, I bawled and bawled and bawled. I never imagined in my wildest dreams what a serousily painful process this is--pain in my mind and a tremendous pain in heart. Kassie told someone that she ran into and was talking about me that I am LOST! Who would have known how lost one can feel during this process.
I am grateful for a kind and loving Heavenly Father that has made me aware of a lot of things in the past three weeks. I am grateful for a Savior that has suffered these things for not only for Keith, but for me, and for all of us. And to know that the atonement of Jesus Christ is there and waiting for us to help us in our lives if we are only willing to allow it in.
I am also grateful to know that during this entire death process that He has made possible for me to removed from myself at the proper times and to be in complete control of my faculties at others.

FUNERALS

Yesterday, my friends and I set out, extremely early, for the Twin Falls area of Idaho. Hazelton to be exact. Our friend, Cherri, is from there and her father passed away on Father's day from complications of prostate cancer and bladder cancer. He has had a terrible go of it and this was a blessing for he and his family.
I was very impressed by the entire funeral, the services, Old glory flying in the breeze, the mature, former soldiers and the 21 gun salute (they were right on que), Taps (the bugler what incredible), and finally I have to say that this sight truly brought tears to my eyes nd a warm fuzzy feeling to my heart. What a tribute to a soldier who has passed on to the other side. I don't know if there is an official name for the rifle, boots and helmut stuck into the ground, but if there a soldierr out there who has served and passes away, I think this should be at every service. Talk about a reverence for patriotism.

Mr. Christopherson and his twin brother served together in the same unit (I believe) in the Pacific Theater in Okinawa. They were SeaBee's and quite honestly I don't hear much about the SeaBee's anymore. Rest in peace and comfort and know that your heroism, service and patriotism will not be forgotten by some.
Robin Boyd, Gaylene Bauer, Cherri Christopherson Woodland, Joyce Anderson and Coralie Monson