SIX MONTHS

My how time flies when you are trying to get a lot of things done, taken care of, looking for work, cleaning out the basement (of which I think is a long process)taking care of children and grieving at the same time. And although it has been six months, it also seems like only 6 days. I told a friend the other day that I would probably be alright in 5 or 6 years and at the rate I am going--I think that is just about right.

This hasn't been the best week, I attended a Funeral/Celebration fo Life for a guy that I went to school with, who at 50, had a heart attack--last Sunday.
I have had two "NO's" to job requests and am completely frustrated right now, and I have been carrying a a heavy burden around for a few days that I really didn't have a good feeling about and all I could think about was what was going to happen.

I know that our Father in Heaven hears and answers our prayers--these prayers were truly straight from the core of my soul and I am sure that I could go on had the outcome been different, but it sure would have been very difficult in light of everything else that has happened in the past few months.

Genette has suffered with breast cancer and is out two years. About a week ago she started to complain of severe back pain and nothing seemed to alleviate that pain. No amount of heat, rest, pain medication, etc., was helping. Finally I told her she needed to see the doctor. After a series of tests that determined no kidney infection, bladder infection, or any of the "back pain" related problems the doctor ordered an MRI--because of her history with the cancer.

Well, a call came from the doctor's medical assistant saying that the regular x-rays
were fine, but that the doctor would call her about the MRI because she wasn't at liberty to say what they reported. Genette told her that if it was bad news, she didn't want to be called 'til the end of the day!

We both sat on pins and needles all day. The call finally came around 5:00.
She has a compression fracture of her L1 vertebrae. Now, although she is hurting and will need to take it easy for several weeks, I have never been so happy to hear a diagnosis like this in my life. She DOES NOT HAVE METASTATIC DISEASE! Yipee!!!!

So with that I will say that I continue to have good days and bad days--not as many bad days, but still enough that I cry a lot.
I cry because:
-- Keith isn't here to listen to Andrew talk up a storm and speak better than Austin and Ashlynne put together,
-- because I am freezing cold at night and can't seem to get warm;
-- because Ashlynne and Austin talk about him alot--especially when mom and dad aren't around;
-- he should be going to Cleveland in the summer to pick up mom with me;
-- his nephew, Billy, is going to be a dad in June and he would be so thrilled;
-- Brighton turned one and he wasn't here to watch him grow;
-- he is not here to bounce my troubles and thoughts off of;
-- he has a ton of family history to do--now I am left taking care of it;
-- because I am still very angry at times;
and a plethora of other things that I can't think of at the moment, but will as soon as I shut off the computer and go down stairs and get ready for bed.

I have a friend that will text me every once in awhile with a quote and today she sent one that truly fits my mood and circumstance.

"Our afflictions don't merely precede the glory, they help produce it.
Joseph B. Withlin
"Press On"

I have to say that I have really been through the fire and I may be producing glory--I just don't know how glorious it will be!

The only thing that I can say at this moment of time is that I have been blessed; beyond measure, with great, supportive friends, family members and others that continue to see me through the tough times. I have a Savior that atoned for all of the circumstances that I am currently going through and if I don't continue to use THAT ATONEMENT in my life--then it is all for not!

14th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

My 14th Wedding Anniversary was spent alone--alone without a husband, but not alone.
Goods friends and family made it bearable.

My day was spent by doing a lot of things to keep my mind off of everything that has happened, but it turns out that is not the way the winds were blowing.

I had had a terrible day the day before--Kassie was angry with me because I am not getting on with my life in the speed "she" thinks I should, so I blew up at her. I was already anticipating a bad day for Tuesday and as it turned out, Monday seems have been a tad bit worse.

Tuesday began with running errands for me and for my mom--bank, store, money transfers for mission, all of the fun stuff you have to do to keep a missionary in the field. After all those errands I ran and got flowers to take to the cemetery. When I arrived at the cemetery, to my surprise, I was met with the headstone that was set that very morning. It is very beautiful, but I was totally caught off guard, as were my tear ducts. I truly didn't expect it to be set for another 2 or 3 weeks.

I met a friend, who like myself, lost her husband (20 years ago and she was 33) and has been a a godsend to me by giving me a lot of wise advice and the nice thing about it is that I can take it or leave it--it isn't going to offend her if I don't do something or change something around a little.

After lunch I ran home and got ready to go to the temple. Keith had wanted to get his mother's temple work done starting at the first of the year--but time got away from both of us and here I was--taking care of it on my anniversary--but oh, what a way to spend it. Not only did we get her work done, but we had her sealed to my father-in-law, to her parents and lastly in this particular mix, we were able to have Keith sealed to his parents with some strings pulled through Salt Lake.



When I asked about having him sealed--in my naive mind I wasn't thinking and was told we had to wait a year after his death just like everyone else. I was thinking because he had a current recommend when he passed away he could be sealed, but apparently this wasn't the case. Then when I called the Bountiful Temple (Keith's choice for his mom) the sister asked me a question about my mother-in-law and why my husband wasn't taking care of this. So I explained everything to her and that he had passed away six weeks prior to this. I was trying to come up with dates I could do this and nothing was working out; so this just seemed to be the right day to have the work done. She then told me that because he was a current recommend holder when he passed away, that all they had to do was call Salt Lake, pull his records, they copied his current recommend. On Tuesday I went into the office and there was my little blue slip waiting and ready for him to be sealed to his parents. Along with these sealings, we were also able to seal my father to his parents and a few of Keith's relatives work was done as well.

It was an wonderful experience and though I cried through a lot of it, I was calm and at peace. I was joined by my adorable niece, KoriAnn, her husband Ben, and my three of my Syndergaard cousin's that live close by. They have all be a great support through all of this. I thank my lucky stars, daily, for the opportunity to be related to all of these wonderful men (and their wives) and grateful that we are all one eternal family.

I have should say that I am grateful for their wonderful mother (and my uncle, who passed away 16 years ago) and their other four siblings and their spouses as well. Without their love, support, and influence in my life--I might be a very empty shell. But they have held me together when I have needed them. I love you all!

To Keith: 4040404040....TEAB!!!

DEALING WITH KEITH'S PASSING

I am not going to lie--this has really been tough on me. This post is for me, but if you feel like you want to get into my life, go right ahead.
It has been a very difficult year for us--Keith was diagnosed with bi-polar disease, his health spiralled out of control, he lost his job, we lived off of savings for nearly 8 months, there was a lot of frustration hanging around the walls of this house and I probably made life a lot worse than it should have been.
And during this entire time, not once did he get angry with me, lose his temper, put me down. But then not only was he a kind, considerate, intelligent man, his common sense had a lot to be desired when it came to a lot of things. I was constantly harping at him to do something about finding a job, getting out, doing stuff with us and only to realize that--although we didn't know it at the time--he was dying from the inside out.
Mental illness is a cruel, cruel thing and it not only affects those it attacks mentally and physically, but those it affects those who are on the outside trying to help. It affects averyone around you.
There is truly nothing I can do to bring him back, but the thing that I can do right now is to be grateful for the time I did have with him and be grateful for the family and friends that have been here to buoy me up at the especially difficulttime and change in my life.
This third week has truly been the hardest on me. Burying a spouse is much harder than burying a parent. And though I have never buried a child, I can only imagine that that would be even worse than a spouse. I never in my life thought I could feel so physically lonely--although lately with his illness, he was rarely with me, but I knew he was in the house somewhere. I have cried daily and apparently, from all that I have read, this is to be expected. Most nights I can't sleep without something to put into a complete stupor, but Friday nght I cried myself to sleep (even with the medication--it wasn't working that night) and all day Saturday, I bawled and bawled and bawled. I never imagined in my wildest dreams what a serousily painful process this is--pain in my mind and a tremendous pain in heart. Kassie told someone that she ran into and was talking about me that I am LOST! Who would have known how lost one can feel during this process.
I am grateful for a kind and loving Heavenly Father that has made me aware of a lot of things in the past three weeks. I am grateful for a Savior that has suffered these things for not only for Keith, but for me, and for all of us. And to know that the atonement of Jesus Christ is there and waiting for us to help us in our lives if we are only willing to allow it in.
I am also grateful to know that during this entire death process that He has made possible for me to removed from myself at the proper times and to be in complete control of my faculties at others.

KEITH

KEITH BAUER
Keith Bauer 6/26/1958 ~ 8/28/2010 Our loving husband, father, brother, and friend, passed away August 28, 2010 at a local hospital due to health complications. Born June 26, 1958 in Reno, Nevada the son to Roy Sylvester and Doris Jean Thomas Bauer. He married Gaylene Marie Schmardebeck on Oct 12, 1996 in the Manti, Utah LDS Temple. He was raised in Fernley, NV, but always considered Kansas home. He attended Ricks College, BYU, Pittsburg State with a bachelors degree in Nursing. He served an LDS Mission to Louisiana Shreveport and later served in the Mississippi Jackson Mission. He enjoyed traveling, temple work, family history, but his most favorite hobby was that of "Papa" to Bud, his Princess and Boo. Survived by: wife, niece/daughter: Kassie Openshaw-Rodriguez (RJ) Salt Lake, sisters: Tamie Cline (Bill) Umatilla, OR, Debbie (Oliver) Stone, Libby, MT, Alicia Bauer-Lawson, Savonburg, KS, brother: Robert Bauer, Iola, KS, three grandchildren: Austin, Ashlynne, and Andrew Rodriguez. Preceded in death by: father, mother, sisters: Sherrie Bauer and Amber Bauer and father-in-law, Gail Schmardebeck. Funeral services will be held on Thursday September 2, 2010 at 11:00 a.m. at the Grandview 2nd LDS Ward Chapel, 2930 S. 2000 East. Friends may visit with the family on Wednesday evening from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at the Holbrook Mortuary, 3251 S. 2300 East, and at the church on Thursday morning from 9:30 a.m. to 10:40 a.m. prior to the services. Interment: Elysian Burial Gardens. Online tributes and memories may be sent to the family at www.holbrookmortuary.com